Letting Go

Some things you need to learn alone

At first sight, I knew this woman would take me some place so far from home I’d never return. She was the most exciting woman in the room. She didn’t speak much at first, but her energy was too big and too loud to ignore. The room filled with a very feminine, very dominant perfume that I quickly connected to her. We were surrounded by dozens of nervous, fidgety young adults (like myself) trying their best to make a good first impression on their new managers and coworkers, but she remained still. She was sure of both herself and her intentions. She was on a mission. And by time I noticed I was staring at her, it was clear she’d been noticing too.

She wasn’t the one hiring and promoting, but it was her approval that everyone really wanted. I watched people watching her and waiting for their face-to-face moment with that big white smile and those soft brown eyes. Being my quiet and reserved self, I tried to play it cool and just watch from a distance, but she wouldn’t allow it. It seemed that the more distant I tried to be, the closer she came to me. Each time I looked at her, I thought “Is she really looking at me?” And each time, she met my eyes with a look of confirmation.

“I’m looking at you.”

This game of eye tag was making my heart race too fast to focus on the reason I was even there, meanwhile, she seemed to be doing just fine. She was all I was thinking about, so I fled the room to find a less distracting crowd. After I made it up a flight of steps, I took several deep breaths because I hadn’t been to the gym in a minute. I was truly embarrassed that this strange woman had me at work feeling like an awkward high school freshman with brand new hormones.

After a solid ten minutes of a self-inflicted mental ass whooping, I stumbled across the comforting realization that this was the first time I’d felt this way about a woman since the woman I still compared everyone else to. I was immediately overcome with gratitude. The universe had dismissed any doubt that I would experience that kind of passion again. It also allowed me to live long enough to know that, for that very reason, I didn’t need to be embarrassed. She was just a woman no different from the last or the next. And as much as I admire a woman on a mission, my spine straightened as I reminded myself that I already am that woman. And with that, I went back downstairs and worked the room like I was the only woman there.